New Year, New Resolutions to Make and Break

“New Year, new me, chapter one of three-sixty.”

                                                                                                    — People I hate

Yeah, it’s the new year, woo. Well it’s the same life so I never really got why it’s such a big deal. But the new year is such a super serious deal to people beside me so maybe I’m wrong (I’m not, btw). I was curious as to what the inhabitants of Paquette village had for new year’s resolutions. As instructed by lord Paquette himself, I spread his will to all fortunate enough to cross my righteous path. May Paquette’s light shine upon us all.

Fresh meat Paul McCabe’s resolution is to become a superior hockey player. Sophomore Lauren Galotti and senior McGlame want to eat healthier (basiiiiiiiiic). Freshyfrosh Billy Porter wants to do better in school. (Good thinking Bill, I hope you do it and don’t become me who’ll be saying that at graduation.)

Sophomore crip leader Bradley Rogers’ resolution is to walk. (Awww Brad, that’s not gonna happen champ, but keep dreaming!) Sophomore Will Folan wants to talk to more people. Good plan but some people kinda suck soooo . . .

Senior Hannah Mischler had the only semi-deep resolution of the bunch, saying she wants to treat others how she wants to be treated. Unfortunately, I had to ask Senior (I think?) Breanna Harris her resolution. It was as follows: “To look less rachet, @Tpoww.” After cleaning the blood from my ears off the floor, I walked away a different man.

As for myself, I have no resolution considering I am the perfect organism.  My DNA is incorruptible.

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