Guys, it’s the holidays, that’s awesome. The holidays are so sick, like . . . aw yeeahhh. Turns out people have more traditions for this season than I do. Mine generally include an eggnog-induced brawl between family members that shatters at least four items of glassware. So as usual I used my impeccable charm (threatening and blackmailing) to get some holiday traditions out of my fellow students.
Senior senora Amy Leonard told me that her family goes to church on Christmas Eve and then watches Mr. Magoo’s Christmas special. “When I was little, I’d look out the window and try to find Santa,” she added (my black heart melted at that little tidbit).
Senior Dillon Russell, aka “the muscles from russells,” said his family goes to his aunt’s house. “We do a Yankee swap, and we feast on some ham or turkey,” he said.
Kylee Sweeney, a sophomore, has a special tradition with her sister. “I open one present the night before Christmas and me and my sister wear matching pajamas,” she said.
Freshman Luke Smigliani spends time with his family while putting up the tree and putting the ornaments on it. Herik DaCosta, another freshman, gathers with family, has a Yankee swap and opens one present exclusively at dawn.
I’ve saved the best holiday tradition for last. Sophomore slayer Matt O’Sullivan, also know as “The one who has risen,” was kind enough to let me hear his velvety voice speak these exact words which I’m about to tell you:
“I go out into the wilderness. I find and kill the leader of a wild wolf pack. I skin said wolf and make a coat out of him. I then return to my log cabin, stoke the fire and proceed to lounge in my fine Italian leather chair. The beautiful swimsuit models that don’t seem to leave my side put in a copy of Elf on Blu-ray and I let the night happen.”